The blog formerly known as   Fake Plastic Fish

September 13, 2007

A Special Message from the Polar Bear Community

While Beth is taking another night off from blogging in order to get some much-needed and well-deserved sleep, we bring you A Special Message from the Polar Bear Community:

Hey Humans:

Our habitat is shrinking due to global warming. If current trends continue, TWO-THIRDS of our population will be driven out of existence.

On top of that, this past week saw the publication of a report about how the Canadians are asserting THEIR claims to the Arctic. Not to mention the Americans, the Norwegians, the Danes … (Much as we like the Canadians, being nice people who generally don’t invade anyone and have those cool Tim Horton’s restaurants, we feel that the best claim to the Arctic is OURS.)

We think the governments of these countries are actually excited that the polar ice is shrinking because that will make it easier to send ships up here to look for resources.

Oh, did we mention what these resources are?


Oil and gas.

Of course.

And what’s one of the reasons you humans need so much oil and gas? What do you spend 2 million barrels a day of oil to make?




Here’s the deal: if things keep up the way they’ve been going, the only polar bears left will be we stuffed ones (and terrible people dressed up as them.) In other words, fake plastic bears.

Oh, and maybe a few in the zoo, lying around without much to do in an environment that bears — excuse me, has — very little resemblance to our natural Arctic habitat.

Now, maybe you don’t think losing two-thirds of your species is such a bad thing. Alan Weisman, in his new bestselling book, The World Without Us, speculates that maybe a human population of about 1.6 billion, down from the current 6 billion plus, might be sustainable for the planet. It wouldn’t be that hard; you guys could stop having so many kids. We certainly wouldn’t mind having a lot fewer people around, since we don’t really eat you human beings. But that’s up to you. And our population is up to us. So, stop using so much plastic. This will cut the demand for oil. And then there will be less economic motive to destroy our Arctic habitat.

We’re not saying this would solve everything, but it would certainly help. And then we can get back to being

Yours very truly,

The Largest Land Carnivores in the World, the Acme Predators, the Furry, the Cute,

The Polar Bears

A note from Beth:


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terrible person
16 years ago

It’s not just that wanting the resources of the Arctic makes countries less inclined to do something about global warming. In order to explore the Arctic for fossil fuels, they have to send lots of ships — escorted by icebreakers, sometimes atomic-powered — up there, right through the bears spawning and hunting grounds!

Also, since polar bears are at the top of the food chain, eating the seals that eat the fish, plastic and chemicals that go into the ocean and kills or gets concentrated in the fish affect the bears!

I’m so looking forward to seeing the armored bears in the movie version of “The Golden Compass”!

16 years ago

Of course, some Canadians disagree. Can we trust them? I’ve heard the Canadians are really worried that the U.S. wants to steal their water, both free-flowing and locked up in glaciers (that are, of course, melting.) Maybe it’s those big billboards in the U.S. that say, “Drink Canada Dry!”

Deep Eddy
16 years ago

Of course, we shouldn’t forget that it was the Russians who started the whole recent Arctic scramble by sending a submarine to plant a titanium flag on the sea floor at the North Pole. But the polar bears are striking back at Russia, or at least showing the flag…

16 years ago

That’s a very cute bear in the middle … it looks a lot like one I saw on the Web somewhere

16 years ago

Great post! Polar Bears have always been one of my favorite mammals to view (through photos of course) due to their size and beauty. It’s sad to think our selfishness is going to be the cause of their demise…

16 years ago

wait that last bit was from me…and im not sure why i hit the send button because i wasnt done yet. but now ive forgotten what else i was going to say about the gorillas so i guess im done now.

16 years ago

did you hear that gorillas are close to being extinct because of their habitats being taken over? :(

Radical Garbage Man
16 years ago

I love it!

Polar sovereignty for polar bears!